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For some, they either eat or sleep when problems arise especially those "personal" ones, "lovebyts" most of them. Some end up drunk, some end up sleeping, but still, some face them boldly, but when it comes to me I end up awake holding a cup of caffeine looking up the starry sky.
As I thought of the problems I have, it usually makes me shut-up for some time and feel tears streaming from my eyes. Well, that is if the burden is that hard to bear, and you can tell it if I cried my eyes out by the state of my pillows. But really, in times like this present one I end up lying on the bed looking at the blankly at the ceiling or through my bedside window... I slept... I dreamed about Her...
It was the thought of Her that made me uneasy, She was on my mind all day... The thing is I think I do love her but on the other hand not really sure if I love her OR if I am ready to give up things once I decided that really it's not just an affection... I know someone who also like Her and I know that most people in my environment might have something to say if I would profess what I feel about Her...
Seven People now... seven advises like boating on a moonless river. One said to think twice, another to ask her out, five that it is all right, and one who warned me and said "never try to court Her," I am puzzled, I am confused...
Sometimes I thought maybe I should have never met Her. In the midst of everything, I still remember the day I first saw Her. Stepping into the room I was and for a moment confounded by Her presence. I loved Her but had to keep it for everyone's sake...
The instances are inevitable, meeting her numerous times after that... I know I love Her but afraid to let it out, scared to be scrutinized, to be rejected... Confused, puzzled, lost in translation. I know how I feel towards Her but I can't and don't want to admitt it. Scared and Puzzled and left with a cup of cold coffee in my hands looking nowhere through the window....
I will still love you in the midst of all the barriers that seperate us...
I will continue to give out my affections expecting nothing in return...
I love you inspite of all the consequences...
All because I finally realized the my love is true for you...Current Music: Moonlight Over Paris, Peter Meyer |
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I will try not to think of you when I wake up in the morning and ask myself if somehow you are also awake. I have my own life to lead on and my own life to think of. No, I won't even be in my usual trance while eating my lunch wondering if you are doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.
No, never again will I go to the wash room lock myselfto cry, think, sing or whatever all because I think of you. I would never look through the open window of my bedroom just because I can't sleep and my thoughts are on you.
I am moving on...
I'll try to wake up during the sunrise and smile, think not of why you left but that once you stayed.
And if I feel that there is a need for tears to stream from my eyes, it will not be for the future we could have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that I feel, but I will cry because of a love that I never was able to share with the person I know it was for, or rather it is for. I will cry for the love that was lost, not for the person who left.
I might give my affections to any person who might need it, but not my heart- it would always be with you. I will give her the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I longed to give you and the words that was once yours.
I'll try to hold the tears when I think of you. I'll just smile...
I loved you... No remorse, no regrets...
I am moving on... and hoping the next thing would be letting go...
"The greastest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go...."Current Music: The One You Love, Glen Fray |
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Realisations come to you, sink into your thoughts when you aren't happy or at least feeling lonely, sad, or whatever have you that is relative to fun, that's what I realized as I stared blankly at the performers on stage as I watch a certain program at school.
I seem not to mind that noise of the people chattering around, the voice of my seatmates and neither do I hear the sounds that the people performing make... I am in a trance...
It looks as though a really bad week for me, not including the first time I passed a math quiz, but more importantly the problems that I have encountered. The hectic schedule the end-of-the-schoolyear crisis brought to me, numerous academic problems, and the last two which I had in mind most of the time- thinking twice about my feelings towars her and the thought of failing a screening thrice in a row.
If it's only about the academic stuff, I shouldn't have been writing this journal at all... but things are different i had two other problems in mind... When I thought that I would be sleeping soundly in my bed- I am to be disproven, it looks as though I would be looking outside through my bedside window waiting for wishing stars to come.
"I took a grandslam," I humourously thought, but then again the thought of the crisis seeped into my mind again bringing me back to my sadness, nothing at the moment could cheer me up not even the jokes the people on stage were playing.
I love her but can't tell her, neither can I show to her all because of the threat of rejection. I have realised that my love is true for her but on the other hand I realised that I may not be the one for her. I want to pass those interviews and join those organisations but maybe, I am not the right one for those societies.
"Maybe I thought, no matter how hard you try... Things that aren't meant for you wouldn't be yours..." And I was brought back to earth with an unpleasant bump... |
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I thought that there will be no time when I would be seperated from my coffee cup, the teaspoon and the jar of coffee sugar, but it seeems that what I thought was wrong...
Things are different now...
I'll end those times when I have to shut myself in my room and cry on my pillows. I'll end those times when I have to phone tons of people just because I can't help it... just because I think about her... I'll end up holding that cup of caffeine in my hands...
I am moving on for the second time...
It is like a half time break after the first half to evaluate where I had gone wrong and to correct it for the second half. I know I have gone wrong at some point and I want to know where that point is... To correct it if still possible...
I love you and that wouldn't change... I feel no remorse neither do i feel regrets but what I just want is to stop for a moment, rest, build a temporary wall so that next time I'll be better for you... I'll just stop drinking coffee, stop those sleepless nights watching the moon sail in the velvet sky, and think about you, moreover drink cup of warm milk hoping that in my dreams I'll have the answers.
I will still love you in the midst of all the barriers that separate us...
I will continue to give out my affections expecting nothing in return...
I love you in spite of all the consequences...
All because I finally realized the my love is true for you... |
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YOU ARE THE...Apple of my eye, Mango of my pie, Palaman of my tinapay, Cheese of my monay, Teeth of my suklay, Fingers on my kamay, Bblood in my atay, Bubbles of my laway, Sala of my bahay, Seeds of my palay, Clothes in my ukay- ukay, Calcium in my kalansay, Calamansi on my siomai, Inay of my tatay, Knot on my tie, Toyo on my kuchay, Vitamins in my gulay, Airplane of my Cathay, Stars of my sky, Hammer of my panday, Sand of my Boracay, Sultan of my Brunei, Highlands of my Tagaytay, MOLE on my Ate Guy, Baba of my Ai-Ai, Voice of my Inday Garutay, Spinach of my Popeye, Sizzle when I fry, Wind when I paypay, Tungkod when I'm pilay, Feeling when I'm high, prize when I vie, cure to my "ARAY!", Shoulder when I cry, Foundation of my tulay, Truth behind the lie,Wings when I fly, Answer to the question "WHY?", The life after I die... YOU ARE the center of my buhay.... =)Current Music: Take Me Home Country Road, John Denver |
| » Listening To the Music |
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Take Me Home Country Roads
Almost heaven west Virginia,
Blue Ridge Mountains Shenandoah river.
Life is old there older than the trees,
Younger than the mountains blowin' like a breeze.
Country roads take me home,
To the place I belong.
West Virginia mountain momma,
Take me home country roads.
All my memories gather round her,
Miner's lady stranger to blue water.
Dark and dusty painted on the sky,
Misty taste of moonshine teardrop in my eyes.
Country roads take me home,
To the place I belong.
West Virginia mountain momma,
Take me home country roads.
I hear a voice in the morning how she calls me.
The radio reminds me of my home far away,
Drivin' down the road I get a feelin',
That I should been home yesterday yesterday.
Country roads take me home,
To the place I belong.
West Virginia mountain momma,
Take me home country roads.
Country roads take me home,
To the place I belong.
West Virginia mountain momma,
Take me home country roads.
Take me home country roads.
Take me home country roads.
Feb. 19th, 2005 @ 05:55 pm
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| » You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When... |
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You can jump start your car without cables.
You answer the door before people knock.
You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked.
You've worn out your third pair of shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze.
You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
Instant coffee takes too long to make.
You channel surf faster without the remote.
You don't sweat... you percolate.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
You short out motion detectors.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
The only time you are standing still is during an earthquake!
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
All your kids are named Joe.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to the last drop'.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
You don't tan, you roast.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
You ski uphill.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
You speed-walk in your sleep.
You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
You think being called a drip is a compliment.
You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug.
You take your morning coffee with you in the shower.
Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to coffee.
Jan. 29th, 2005 @ 04:47 pm
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| » Doing A Solo Tango |
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As I looked through the open window of my bedroom, I look back to the events that happened the day before. "You failed again," said a voice in my head, silently I agreed... Like countless of times before I failed again to conquer the affection of a lady I like and maybe loved. "When would you learn?" a voice in my head spoke again,"Stop now..." I paused, then looked up the moonless sky then thought maybe HE'S right... "save yourself from experiencing the fangs of adolescence..."
I continued to think, then looked across the disgruntled room to a mirror and saw a troubled figure... my own reflection.. puzzled, pained, confused...
I had been living in this place we call as "Earth" for sometime to now, thirteen years to tell the truth, and on these span of age, never felt the feeling that I long for. I have given that feeling, maybe ten times or maybe more, nonetheless never felt something in return. "How come?" I sometime ask myself in desperation and after sometime agreed upon a conclusion... "Ladies are SO unpredictable." To my surprise and disappointment... I am disproved.
Thirteen years of living as single that's all I experienced, although having a lot of girl friends (take note of the space) never been romantically associated. Still, even with numerous warnings I heard from my head, I didn't heed them, I loved and I failed.
"Rejected is the word," said the voice in my head "Unsuccessful" in my opinion. Unsuccessful in finding the right women, Unsuccessful in finding someon to be romantically associated with, Unsuccessful in leaving the state of singlenes but Victorious in performing a duet single-handedly, Victorious in living a single life... Succeeded in performing a solo tango...
Dec. 30th, 2004 @ 04:26 pm
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| » Waking from a deep sleep... |
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Maybe it is because my broken PC, or maybe because I just had been very busy with my workload that I failed to keep track of my journal... but then here I am again, flooding my pages with, for some, useless words that don't mean anything at all... =)
Well, I am still here, breathing, only with some changes. I just wish it had happened earlier before. Things went on a three-hundred-sixty degree spin after spending five days in Baguio, new friends, new crushes, new policies in life same with ambitions and ideals, that's what had happened to me after almost a month of no-post days here in my journal...
I just wish things would be better in the next few days... I just wish... Although I doubt if it will be, but then that's life...
It is unsure...
That's life...
It's like walking in a land where fog obscures your vision...
That's life...
It's full of uncertainties...
That's life...
It is a like skating on thin ice...
That's life..
It is a game... learn how to play it...
Nov. 25th, 2004 @ 08:17 pm
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| » Ang Alamat ng Blablab |
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Isang araw tinanong ng anak ang kanyang tatay...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sabi ng tatay "pag nagnursery ka na..."
At nag-aral ang anak ng nursery...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sabi ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung kinder ka na..."
At tinapos ng anak yung kinder...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," wika ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung prep ka na..."
At tinapos ng anak yung prep...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," wika ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 1 ka na..."
At tinapos ng anak yung grade 1...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," wika ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 2 ka na..."
At tinapos ng anak yung grade 2...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 3 ka na..."
At tinapos ng anak yung grade 3...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 4 ka na..."
tinapos ng anak yung grade 4...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 5 ka na..."
tinapos ng anak yung grade 5...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 6 ka na..."
At tinapos nang anak ang grade 6
"Daddy...," tanong ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
Eh may grade seven...
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 7 ka na..."
At natapos ng anak ang grade seven... nag-graduate ng valedictorian...
"Daddy..., tapos ko na ang elementary..." sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung first year..."
Nag-aral ang anak ng first year.. hanggang sa...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung second year..."
Nag-aral ang anak ng second year.. hanggang sa...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung third year..."
Nag-aral ang anak ng third year.. hanggang sa...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung fourth year..."
At umabot ang tanungan hanggang...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag college ka na..."
Nag-graduate ang anak... at muling tinanong ang kanyan ama...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung first year sa college..."
At matapos ang first year...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung second year year sa college..."
At matapos ang second year...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung third year year sa college..."
At matapos ang third year...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung fourth year year sa college..."
At matapos ang preperation course ng anak para sa medicine...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"anak...," wika ng ama " tsaka na pag proffesional ka na ha?
"o sige Dad..." sagot ng anak
At nagtapos ang anak sa kanyang kurso...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak " ano na nga yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag may trabaho ka na..."
At naghanap ng trabaho ang anak...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak " ano na nga yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag may asawa ka na..."
At ikinasal na ang anak...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak " ano na nga yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag may anak ka na..."
Matapos ang siyam na buwan...
"Daddy... may anak na ko," sabi ng anak " ano na nga yung alamat ng blablab?"
"sige... makikita mo ang alamat ng blablab sa ika-pitong bundok"
At sinimulan nila ang kanilang paglalakbay. Inakyat nila ang unang bundok at bumaba mula rito... Inakyat nila ang ikalawang bundok at bumaba mula rito...Inakyat nila ang ikatlong bundok at dun nakakita ng puno ng mansanas.
"Anak... " wika ng ama "kumuha ka diyan ng mansanas upang may makain tayo."
At kumuha ang anak ng mansanas at bumaba sila mula sa ikatlong bundok... Sa pag-akyat sa ikalimang bundok ay nasugatan ang ama kaya bumagal ang kanilang paglalakbay ngunit sa ikaanim nama'y may batis at nilinis nila ang sugat. Sa pag-akyat nila sa ikaanim na bundok ay nakakita sila ng bote ng mineral water.
"Anak... " wika ng ama "kunin mo ang bote na yan at kakailangnin natin yan para sa alamat ng blablab."
At kinuha ng anak yung bote at itinagi ito at sila ay tumuloy sa pag-akyat sa ikaanim na bundok. Sa tuktok nito ay nakita nila ang isang ermitanyo at kanilang itinanong ang daan patungong ikapitong bundok... Matpos ito ay sinimulan na nila ang pagakyat sa huling bundok. Nang makarating sa tuktok ay nakita nila ang mahiwagang batis... lumundag-lundag sa tuwa ang anak
"Anak ito na ang alamat ng blablab..."
inulubog niya ang bote sa batis...
blablablablablab....
Oct. 22nd, 2004 @ 08:39 pm
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| » Earth, full of almost the same things... yet, so different... |
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Living with the Fantasies of a book written by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, we imagine ourselves departing from our beloved planet (or asteroid) and finding that we have gone to a neighborhood, of similar asteroids that shelters different persons, different from others... We continue our journey and find ourselves floating in space in a larger planet than our home... Earth, landing on this nice planet with its vegetation, it’s waters, clouds, its six land masses, its moon that gleams through the planet at night, and without electricity, an army of five hundred thousand lamplighters to light our streets at night, being so large sheltering more than a trillion people, foxes, flowers and so many kinds of persons from kings to paupers.
Like a garden full of roses like a forest full of foxes, we cannot focus our attention on a single object, admire its beauty, to see what it has, they’ve got to stand out. Earth, full of people, we see a man like a hundred thousand wandering around the planet, a fox like a hundred thousand fox roaming in forest, or a flower dancing merrily in the gentle breeze. They cannot stand out with out us seeing their rarity, we see them as common things, objects that are ordinary, and we do not see their value for they are regular in our sight. But the thing that sets them apart from the others, that makes him or her unique, that makes him or her distinct and exceptional in our gaze, it is by establishing ties, through this that we could have a close bond with this person, through this that we can cherish and love him or her and say that we are related, it is through this that we learn how to value her value in our life that without her our life would mean nothing, and now she stands out in our gaze, and we can say she’s the person I know, not those others who are the same of her kind,.
Oct. 21st, 2004 @ 02:35 pm
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| » Looking Back |
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There she sits in her chair a few inches from where I was sitting, “talk to her now,” said a voice in my head as I gazed to her direction. But I didn’t want to disturb her as she took notes down in her paper while gently running her fingers through her long black hair, then fixing her reading glasses onto place before setting her hand down, and after a few moments started running it through her hair again. I continued gazing at her for a few more minutes before the sound of the door brought my thoughts back to Earth with an unpleasant bump. I tired to force myself onto listening and copying down notes. “It’s hopeless,” I thought, as I absent-mindedly fidgeted a hole through my hand-out using my pen, I have been in this stupor for about three and a quarter hours waiting for the twelve o’clock to ring and finally try to talk to her. It wasn’t until my seatmate called on her and asked whether he could borrow her notes that I went of my dreamy state. I again gazed to her direction. She wasn’t copying now, talking to her seatmates, to her friends probably because she was already finished. I tried again to force myself onto copying, “It’s hopeless,” I thought again.
Minutes close to eternity came and passed, then the bell rang and I jerked off my trance, twelve o’clock came without warning and there was a rush for the exit as people came out, all of them looking pleased. It was I who returned her notes, “Here you go,” I said “Thanks.” I added, as she stuffed her things into her bag. She looked up and replied “okie,” I tied to talk to her as the last student apart from her, me, and her friend who also happens to be a friend of mine. I spoke for her for about a few more minutes before finally saying “see you around,” and went off skipping every two or three paces, feeling like there is an over-inflated happy balloon inside me, “I’ve done it,” I told myself. After an hour we resumed our seats but now, I felt closer to her. “The happiest moment of my life,” I thought as I stared blankly at her… It continued for another two hours and after that a thirty-minute break and another two hours before accompanying hero to her room on the second floor before going back to my room on the seventh for dinner then studying for a quiz in the early hours of morning the following day.
We were on an academic training, and throughout the remaining three days after I first talked to her, she served as my light in the training I’ve once wished I didn’t participated in. But she turned my whole perspective on the program and gave me the urge to pass the final exam scheduled on our fifth day. Through the remaining days I was with her, accompanying her to her room on the second by means of stairs and ignoring the lift and after that rushing to my room on the seventh and on one occasion tripping on a step, a foot away from the seventh floor. But that didn’t puncture my happy balloon. Through the last days of the training, I was with her, with an obvious exception of bathroom periods, although we should have been on the same room for we came from the same centre and having my name listed on the wrong gender, but that doesn’t matter, I was with her a dozen of times, during sessions, programs etc.
Finally our last day came; I still woke up at five o’clock after sleeping for about three hours, then taking a bath before going up for breakfast and going back to 709 for my bag. I went into the classroom to save her a seat. I settled down on my chair and watched as the others made their way into the room, settling them, and then talking to their friends, having a last ditch attempt to finish impossible homeworks, playing with their pens, sketching, or drumming their fingers on the table. Finally, she came, wearing her usual black sweater and blue jeans, accompanied by her friends. “Morning,” she greeted, and I greeted back as she sat down and started taking her pencils and paper from her bag and got them ready for note-taking. Thirty minutes passed and our mentor came and introduced the lesson. Like before, we copied notes occasionally trying to questions in the handout. We made our way through the last session then went off for a short trip, the lunch before studying for a gruelling twenty item test for four hours. I stayed until she finished and walked out of the room relieved that the examinations are over, walking through the corridors where the state of nervousness already subsided, and now laughter is already present. I accompanied her to her room and went back to mine as usual, waited for dinner then went off for a little program. She stayed after that, doing something. Without talking to her I swept passed but smiled, she smiled back.
I wandered through the hallways with my friend from my room. Walked, seeing people playing childish games like running across corridors, and some playing with the lift turning the lights off and going from the seventh to the first then back. To my surprise, I saw her making her way down the stairs. I asked her for a walk, a night time stroll, and she said yes, and we walked through the hallways again ending on the rooftop looking at the city lights, feeling the cool breeze, talking while tranquillity loomed over the dark sky only to find in the morning that she passed and I didn’t… I’ve lost my chance to be with her for the rest of the summer.
Turning points come to our lives, to change our views, perspectives, behaviours, philosophy, attitudes and sometimes life itself. It comes through the form of happy events but sadly, it may come in through unhappy ones. Sometimes it may come just in time to change us, but sadly it may still come late. It was already late when I understood her value in my life, it was already late when I understood that passing the test would mean being with her for the rest of the summer. But of course, we need to notice it, maybe it was just because of me, I didn’t notice the point where I had to change. She told me that she knew about me already and I knew about her owing to the fact that we had a friend who knew about both of us. But it was my fault; I didn’t pluck the courage to talk to her before. It’s all because of my cowardice and bashfulness that I lost her. And now I was left with nothing but reminiscence of yesterday and yearnings for her, and a cup of cocoa I watched through my windowsill, the calmness of the night sky, but this time without her beside me…
I lost her in it was my entire fault… this was the thoughts that came over me the next few weeks after we have parted. As I have drifted to uneasy sleep every night, it was all because of my yearnings for her. Reminiscence of the days when I was with her came over me, and increased my loneliness, still, blaming myself for what had happened. It was all, because of my cowardice, to speak to her before, to pluck the courage and tell her how I feel. Why did I ignore the moments when the coast is clear and I was free to speak to her before? But as I have said, I didn’t because I was too scared, and shy. And I ended up punching the solid wall with my fist just to take away my thoughts.
Thoughts of her still lingered in my mind for the next few weeks. Still, I didn’t dare take her from my memories, and until now, I took myself to blame for what had happened. If I wasn’t that foolish enough to ignore those precious moments, then maybe I should have been these days, and not completely alone and miles away from her punching the solid wall with my hand, throwing pillows, shoes and other things across the room, and every night looking out the window wishing that we are both looking at the same star, which was completely absurd, and impossible. The happiest moments in my entire twelve years off walking on the soil of the earth was lost in just a few moments, like the beauty of a shooting star as it fell from the sky. Looking through the windowsill as the sun retrieved and made way for the moon, loneliness still loomed in my mind thinking that another day passed without me seeing her, hearing her voice…
Easter came and went, memories of her still remained, yearnings still lingered, but I was still hoping that sometime somewhere we would meet again, when I could tell her then the things that I have hungered to tell, when my longing would cease. But sadly, I thought that that day would never come and I would never see her smiles again, hear her speak. All because of my stupid fault, that I didn’t try to tell her how I feel during the times when I was with her or even before those times when we weren’t speaking yet but have known each other’s character.
After a few more days of loneliness, there came when the phone rang, I was alone in our house then, “Hello,” I said, the next moment her sweet voice met my ears and I almost dropped the receiver. How come I forgot that I gave my number to her? Grin flashed across the room as I talked to her feeling that for the second time she, again, shed light into my life which had been a dark dingy room since we’ve parted.
After we went separate ways, I went lonely, emptiness lingered on my soul. Her sweet voice echoed through my ears as though she was only a foot away, her picture stayed pinned on my mind as though it was taped using a very sticky adhesive tape. Never did I thought, when I went desperate that I would be hearing that sweet voice again, never did I thought that I would be talking to her. When she called it was like a new day for me, more like seeing the moon set out of the horizon and seeing pinkish orange glow on the other side. I ask her if she thinks that we would meet again, she said she was sure, somewhere sometime, which gave me the assurance that yes, I would be seeing her. Those words sustained for the next few weeks, although it I still called her up on the next days, a bit of an emptiness still remained on me, seeing her in person again was in my prayers.
I spent the days and the weeks without her in the dark, more like clinging to a rock while battling fast running river rapids. Being battered every now and then, but thoughts of yearnings gave me the determination and hold on further to dear life in spite of being battered continuously. But it wasn’t easy. A number of times, I caught myself thinking of just giving up and taking her out of my memories and moving on, because those longing and emptiness caused me a great deal of emotional suffering but thoughts of her gave me the strength to hold on. Thoughts of her had been my bridge which saved me from the rapids while I made my way to the other side, until I found her again.
Oct. 20th, 2004 @ 09:34 pm
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| » Thin Ice |
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“It’s over,” I told my self as I was taking of her picture of the frame on my bedside table, “You have to let her go, You failed…”
I was removing her in my memory erasing everything I remember about her, everything… I don’t want to think about my painful experience I had before… I erased her of my reminiscence, her pictures, her images in my thoughts, her voice, her laughter… it’s over, I failed…
It was morning, as I got up from bed… I hardly slept… she was on my mind all night… I woke up from last nights thoughts and was starting a new day… a new chapter in my life, a chapter, a day, a period of my life without her… it’s over I have to let her go…
I remember while looking through the glass, I saw the first rays of sunlight for this day. I can’t help but to think of the things that had happened to me in my past… while I was with her… Sunlight was filling up my room, filling up with light from the darkness of the night, I just wish that light could also fill my heart, that was in the dark ever since she left me…I just wish that this light could also bring life back to me, take the place of the love that has left me… I sit back on the bed… I failed, I failed, It’s over, she had left me…
“I shouldn’t have loved her…” I told myself, “With that you shouldn’t have been hurt… You’re foolish...” I tried not to think of my past… but I can’t help it seems that I was an open tub with water… the memories, the painful memories of yesterday flowing into me… defenseless and has nothing to do but to sit and watch as my world, my life crumble… It’s over, and why did it end like this? Why didn’t I play safe…
Life was really uncertain… you can’t be sure of what will happen in the future it’s unpredictable… Like skating on Thin Ice… once your having fun… next thing you know you have fallen in… fallen in a opening, a fissure of cold, freezing water whose depth is unknown… Thin Ice… Life is like it…
Oct. 19th, 2004 @ 09:31 pm
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| » Going Over The Rainbow |
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Ever dreamed that you would be with someone whom you really like and you've learned to love?
Ever dreamed of someone whom you really love, that sometime, somewhere, someday and somehow, you might be sitting beside each other talking and holding each other hands?
I did... and I've learned my lesson... don't expect to much because, in a matter days that trance could be shattered...
For sometime, you think it could be done, but then, in a flash it's all gone,
For a moment you think it's possible and with a blink of an eye it's all over...
It hurts.. it causes pain.. but that's life... it is a game and you need to learn how to play it...
-someone over the rainbow
Oct. 18th, 2004 @ 06:14 pm
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