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For some, they either eat or sleep when problems arise especially those "personal" ones, "lovebyts" most of them. Some end up drunk, some end up sleeping, but still, some face them boldly, but when it comes to me I end up awake holding a cup of caffeine looking up the starry sky.
As I thought of the problems I have, it usually makes me shut-up for some time and feel tears streaming from my eyes. Well, that is if the burden is that hard to bear, and you can tell it if I cried my eyes out by the state of my pillows. But really, in times like this present one I end up lying on the bed looking at the blankly at the ceiling or through my bedside window... I slept... I dreamed about Her...
It was the thought of Her that made me uneasy, She was on my mind all day... The thing is I think I do love her but on the other hand not really sure if I love her OR if I am ready to give up things once I decided that really it's not just an affection... I know someone who also like Her and I know that most people in my environment might have something to say if I would profess what I feel about Her...
Seven People now... seven advises like boating on a moonless river. One said to think twice, another to ask her out, five that it is all right, and one who warned me and said "never try to court Her," I am puzzled, I am confused...
Sometimes I thought maybe I should have never met Her. In the midst of everything, I still remember the day I first saw Her. Stepping into the room I was and for a moment confounded by Her presence. I loved Her but had to keep it for everyone's sake...
The instances are inevitable, meeting her numerous times after that... I know I love Her but afraid to let it out, scared to be scrutinized, to be rejected... Confused, puzzled, lost in translation. I know how I feel towards Her but I can't and don't want to admitt it. Scared and Puzzled and left with a cup of cold coffee in my hands looking nowhere through the window....
I will still love you in the midst of all the barriers that seperate us...
I will continue to give out my affections expecting nothing in return...
I love you inspite of all the consequences...
All because I finally realized the my love is true for you...Current Music: Moonlight Over Paris, Peter Meyer |
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I will try not to think of you when I wake up in the morning and ask myself if somehow you are also awake. I have my own life to lead on and my own life to think of. No, I won't even be in my usual trance while eating my lunch wondering if you are doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.
No, never again will I go to the wash room lock myselfto cry, think, sing or whatever all because I think of you. I would never look through the open window of my bedroom just because I can't sleep and my thoughts are on you.
I am moving on...
I'll try to wake up during the sunrise and smile, think not of why you left but that once you stayed.
And if I feel that there is a need for tears to stream from my eyes, it will not be for the future we could have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that I feel, but I will cry because of a love that I never was able to share with the person I know it was for, or rather it is for. I will cry for the love that was lost, not for the person who left.
I might give my affections to any person who might need it, but not my heart- it would always be with you. I will give her the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I longed to give you and the words that was once yours.
I'll try to hold the tears when I think of you. I'll just smile...
I loved you... No remorse, no regrets...
I am moving on... and hoping the next thing would be letting go...
"The greastest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go...."Current Music: The One You Love, Glen Fray |
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Realisations come to you, sink into your thoughts when you aren't happy or at least feeling lonely, sad, or whatever have you that is relative to fun, that's what I realized as I stared blankly at the performers on stage as I watch a certain program at school.
I seem not to mind that noise of the people chattering around, the voice of my seatmates and neither do I hear the sounds that the people performing make... I am in a trance...
It looks as though a really bad week for me, not including the first time I passed a math quiz, but more importantly the problems that I have encountered. The hectic schedule the end-of-the-schoolyear crisis brought to me, numerous academic problems, and the last two which I had in mind most of the time- thinking twice about my feelings towars her and the thought of failing a screening thrice in a row.
If it's only about the academic stuff, I shouldn't have been writing this journal at all... but things are different i had two other problems in mind... When I thought that I would be sleeping soundly in my bed- I am to be disproven, it looks as though I would be looking outside through my bedside window waiting for wishing stars to come.
"I took a grandslam," I humourously thought, but then again the thought of the crisis seeped into my mind again bringing me back to my sadness, nothing at the moment could cheer me up not even the jokes the people on stage were playing.
I love her but can't tell her, neither can I show to her all because of the threat of rejection. I have realised that my love is true for her but on the other hand I realised that I may not be the one for her. I want to pass those interviews and join those organisations but maybe, I am not the right one for those societies.
"Maybe I thought, no matter how hard you try... Things that aren't meant for you wouldn't be yours..." And I was brought back to earth with an unpleasant bump... |
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I thought that there will be no time when I would be seperated from my coffee cup, the teaspoon and the jar of coffee sugar, but it seeems that what I thought was wrong...
Things are different now...
I'll end those times when I have to shut myself in my room and cry on my pillows. I'll end those times when I have to phone tons of people just because I can't help it... just because I think about her... I'll end up holding that cup of caffeine in my hands...
I am moving on for the second time...
It is like a half time break after the first half to evaluate where I had gone wrong and to correct it for the second half. I know I have gone wrong at some point and I want to know where that point is... To correct it if still possible...
I love you and that wouldn't change... I feel no remorse neither do i feel regrets but what I just want is to stop for a moment, rest, build a temporary wall so that next time I'll be better for you... I'll just stop drinking coffee, stop those sleepless nights watching the moon sail in the velvet sky, and think about you, moreover drink cup of warm milk hoping that in my dreams I'll have the answers.
I will still love you in the midst of all the barriers that separate us...
I will continue to give out my affections expecting nothing in return...
I love you in spite of all the consequences...
All because I finally realized the my love is true for you... |
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YOU ARE THE...Apple of my eye, Mango of my pie, Palaman of my tinapay, Cheese of my monay, Teeth of my suklay, Fingers on my kamay, Bblood in my atay, Bubbles of my laway, Sala of my bahay, Seeds of my palay, Clothes in my ukay- ukay, Calcium in my kalansay, Calamansi on my siomai, Inay of my tatay, Knot on my tie, Toyo on my kuchay, Vitamins in my gulay, Airplane of my Cathay, Stars of my sky, Hammer of my panday, Sand of my Boracay, Sultan of my Brunei, Highlands of my Tagaytay, MOLE on my Ate Guy, Baba of my Ai-Ai, Voice of my Inday Garutay, Spinach of my Popeye, Sizzle when I fry, Wind when I paypay, Tungkod when I'm pilay, Feeling when I'm high, prize when I vie, cure to my "ARAY!", Shoulder when I cry, Foundation of my tulay, Truth behind the lie,Wings when I fly, Answer to the question "WHY?", The life after I die... YOU ARE the center of my buhay.... =)Current Music: Take Me Home Country Road, John Denver |
| » Listening To the Music |
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Take Me Home Country Roads
Almost heaven west Virginia,
Blue Ridge Mountains Shenandoah river.
Life is old there older than the trees,
Younger than the mountains blowin' like a breeze.
Country roads take me home,
To the place I belong.
West Virginia mountain momma,
Take me home country roads.
All my memories gather round her,
Miner's lady stranger to blue water.
Dark and dusty painted on the sky,
Misty taste of moonshine teardrop in my eyes.
Country roads take me home,
To the place I belong.
West Virginia mountain momma,
Take me home country roads.
I hear a voice in the morning how she calls me.
The radio reminds me of my home far away,
Drivin' down the road I get a feelin',
That I should been home yesterday yesterday.
Country roads take me home,
To the place I belong.
West Virginia mountain momma,
Take me home country roads.
Country roads take me home,
To the place I belong.
West Virginia mountain momma,
Take me home country roads.
Take me home country roads.
Take me home country roads.
Feb. 19th, 2005 @ 05:55 pm
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| » You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When... |
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You can jump start your car without cables.
You answer the door before people knock.
You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked.
You've worn out your third pair of shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze.
You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
Instant coffee takes too long to make.
You channel surf faster without the remote.
You don't sweat... you percolate.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
You short out motion detectors.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
The only time you are standing still is during an earthquake!
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
All your kids are named Joe.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to the last drop'.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
You don't tan, you roast.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
You ski uphill.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
You speed-walk in your sleep.
You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
You think being called a drip is a compliment.
You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug.
You take your morning coffee with you in the shower.
Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to coffee.
Jan. 29th, 2005 @ 04:47 pm
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| » Doing A Solo Tango |
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As I looked through the open window of my bedroom, I look back to the events that happened the day before. "You failed again," said a voice in my head, silently I agreed... Like countless of times before I failed again to conquer the affection of a lady I like and maybe loved. "When would you learn?" a voice in my head spoke again,"Stop now..." I paused, then looked up the moonless sky then thought maybe HE'S right... "save yourself from experiencing the fangs of adolescence..."
I continued to think, then looked across the disgruntled room to a mirror and saw a troubled figure... my own reflection.. puzzled, pained, confused...
I had been living in this place we call as "Earth" for sometime to now, thirteen years to tell the truth, and on these span of age, never felt the feeling that I long for. I have given that feeling, maybe ten times or maybe more, nonetheless never felt something in return. "How come?" I sometime ask myself in desperation and after sometime agreed upon a conclusion... "Ladies are SO unpredictable." To my surprise and disappointment... I am disproved.
Thirteen years of living as single that's all I experienced, although having a lot of girl friends (take note of the space) never been romantically associated. Still, even with numerous warnings I heard from my head, I didn't heed them, I loved and I failed.
"Rejected is the word," said the voice in my head "Unsuccessful" in my opinion. Unsuccessful in finding the right women, Unsuccessful in finding someon to be romantically associated with, Unsuccessful in leaving the state of singlenes but Victorious in performing a duet single-handedly, Victorious in living a single life... Succeeded in performing a solo tango...
Dec. 30th, 2004 @ 04:26 pm
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| » Waking from a deep sleep... |
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Maybe it is because my broken PC, or maybe because I just had been very busy with my workload that I failed to keep track of my journal... but then here I am again, flooding my pages with, for some, useless words that don't mean anything at all... =)
Well, I am still here, breathing, only with some changes. I just wish it had happened earlier before. Things went on a three-hundred-sixty degree spin after spending five days in Baguio, new friends, new crushes, new policies in life same with ambitions and ideals, that's what had happened to me after almost a month of no-post days here in my journal...
I just wish things would be better in the next few days... I just wish... Although I doubt if it will be, but then that's life...
It is unsure...
That's life...
It's like walking in a land where fog obscures your vision...
That's life...
It's full of uncertainties...
That's life...
It is a like skating on thin ice...
That's life..
It is a game... learn how to play it...
Nov. 25th, 2004 @ 08:17 pm
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| » Ang Alamat ng Blablab |
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Isang araw tinanong ng anak ang kanyang tatay...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sabi ng tatay "pag nagnursery ka na..."
At nag-aral ang anak ng nursery...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sabi ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung kinder ka na..."
At tinapos ng anak yung kinder...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," wika ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung prep ka na..."
At tinapos ng anak yung prep...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," wika ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 1 ka na..."
At tinapos ng anak yung grade 1...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," wika ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 2 ka na..."
At tinapos ng anak yung grade 2...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 3 ka na..."
At tinapos ng anak yung grade 3...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 4 ka na..."
tinapos ng anak yung grade 4...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 5 ka na..."
tinapos ng anak yung grade 5...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 6 ka na..."
At tinapos nang anak ang grade 6
"Daddy...," tanong ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
Eh may grade seven...
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung grade 7 ka na..."
At natapos ng anak ang grade seven... nag-graduate ng valedictorian...
"Daddy..., tapos ko na ang elementary..." sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung first year..."
Nag-aral ang anak ng first year.. hanggang sa...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung second year..."
Nag-aral ang anak ng second year.. hanggang sa...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung third year..."
Nag-aral ang anak ng third year.. hanggang sa...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung fourth year..."
At umabot ang tanungan hanggang...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag college ka na..."
Nag-graduate ang anak... at muling tinanong ang kanyan ama...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung first year sa college..."
At matapos ang first year...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung second year year sa college..."
At matapos ang second year...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung third year year sa college..."
At matapos ang third year...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag natapos mo na yung fourth year year sa college..."
At matapos ang preperation course ng anak para sa medicine...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak "ano yung alamat ng blablab?"
"anak...," wika ng ama " tsaka na pag proffesional ka na ha?
"o sige Dad..." sagot ng anak
At nagtapos ang anak sa kanyang kurso...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak " ano na nga yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag may trabaho ka na..."
At naghanap ng trabaho ang anak...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak " ano na nga yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag may asawa ka na..."
At ikinasal na ang anak...
"Daddy...," sabi ng anak " ano na nga yung alamat ng blablab?"
"tsaka na anak...," sagot ng tatay "pag may anak ka na..."
Matapos ang siyam na buwan...
"Daddy... may anak na ko," sabi ng anak " ano na nga yung alamat ng blablab?"
"sige... makikita mo ang alamat ng blablab sa ika-pitong bundok"
At sinimulan nila ang kanilang paglalakbay. Inakyat nila ang unang bundok at bumaba mula rito... Inakyat nila ang ikalawang bundok at bumaba mula rito...Inakyat nila ang ikatlong bundok at dun nakakita ng puno ng mansanas.
"Anak... " wika ng ama "kumuha ka diyan ng mansanas upang may makain tayo."
At kumuha ang anak ng mansanas at bumaba sila mula sa ikatlong bundok... Sa pag-akyat sa ikalimang bundok ay nasugatan ang ama kaya bumagal ang kanilang paglalakbay ngunit sa ikaanim nama'y may batis at nilinis nila ang sugat. Sa pag-akyat nila sa ikaanim na bundok ay nakakita sila ng bote ng mineral water.
"Anak... " wika ng ama "kunin mo ang bote na yan at kakailangnin natin yan para sa alamat ng blablab."
At kinuha ng anak yung bote at itinagi ito at sila ay tumuloy sa pag-akyat sa ikaanim na bundok. Sa tuktok nito ay nakita nila ang isang ermitanyo at kanilang itinanong ang daan patungong ikapitong bundok... Matpos ito ay sinimulan na nila ang pagakyat sa huling bundok. Nang makarating sa tuktok ay nakita nila ang mahiwagang batis... lumundag-lundag sa tuwa ang anak
"Anak ito na ang alamat ng blablab..."
inulubog niya ang bote sa batis...
blablablablablab....
Oct. 22nd, 2004 @ 08:39 pm
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penny_feather's journal